Switching

What is a switch?

According to the familiar book, Screw the roses, send me the thorns, a switch “plays both the dominant and submissive sides of the SM game (13”. The authors continue to elaborate that “Seemingly, this guy has the best of both worlds. Often he is paired with another switch (13)”. Unlike a dom or sub a switch is not fixed in a single role. They have the capacity to play either role dependant on the situation and other factors, like their mood.

What does switch mean to you?

The definition of a switch is relatively straight forward but understanding a switch is a different matter because many people don’t understand or believe that one person can play both roles. I find that many people are dominant or submissive in different moods or relationships and that BDSM is not inherently different. Some people are always dominant or submissive in relationships but there is an in-between group. While a dom would not enjoy the aspects of submission a switch may enjoy aspects of either dominating or submitting. In shirt a switch is someone involved in BDSM who does not wholly confront to either the role of dom or sub.

Why are you a switch?

To me being a switch means that I get to experience more because I am not confined by the contrasting roles. I am lucky enough to want to experience both sides. Anyone could experience both roles but no dom or sub would enjoy it. Different aspects of each role attract me and I react differently with regard to different people and situations. Some people I want to beat while others I want to throw up against a wall. I’m like a contextual switch – in some situations I prefer to dom and in others I prefer to sub based on how I feel in reaction to the surrounding and people.

In the realm of domination I enjoy the surrender and desire of others. I enjoy being in control of their desire which puts me in a position where I can manipulate their desire to heighten it. I love the openness and vulnerability of someone submitting to you.

I also like to be in control – I hate situations that I cannot predict because they make me very nervous. A sub is in control in that they can always say no, but subs control is usually in the negative. For example don’t do this, don’t do that. And while the may make requests for a certain thing it is the dom who choreographs the session. Only he knows what is coming next. This isn’t to say that what a dom think he will do always happens because there are always variable like the sub breaking down.

While I enjoy playing dominant it is something I am less than comfortable doing at the moment because as I just explained the dom is in charge and I simply lack the skill set. Knowing I lack the skill set of a dominant at this time it makes it nearly impossible for me to relax, stop being self-conscious and enact the desires that exist within me.

I also enjoy the role of submissive but for a completely different set of reasons. I enjoy being dominated but it is difficult for me to explain why I enjoy it. I have always had significant trust issues and while they have improved they are still present. Submission requires a great deal of trust and I think a part of me enjoys the challenge of pushing myself to trust someone. Yet while submission can make you vulnerable it also is protective. It can give you a person to rely on and releases some of your own responsibility. You don’t use the same set of decision making as a submissive because you are following the dominant’s path. I’ve rarely ever had someone that I could turn to rely on so I think this is part of what appeals to me. It almost provides a safety net and while I may not need or use it is comforting to know that it is there.

I can also enjoy being at the mercy of others, letting them decide how kind they wish to be. For example, in one relationship I now that my opinion is valued and that my sadistic partner will be softer in certain moods. And while I enjoy the softer moods I also enjoy him in his more forceful and physically damaging moods. I take pleasure in being marked as his because it shows to me that he wants me to be his. Yet while he dominates me sexually he doesn’t try to change the person that I am and respects me for myself. This has helped to show me some of the nuances of power exchange because it highlights that while the dom is in control there are still things that he cannot control like the type of person that you are inside.

Depending on my mood and the context of the situation I may be either dominant or submissive, this makes me a switch.

What is switches’ role in the community?

In the BDSM community the concept of switch is controversial. There are many people who don’t believe in switches and who anyone who says they are a switch as inexperienced and naïve. I have been told multiple times that I’m not a switch and once I play for a while I’ll pick a side. This creates an interesting lack of place for switches in the community. In fact the BDSM books I’ve seen barely discuss switches and instead provide only a basic definition for the term. Yet switches are more versatile and have a unique perspective because of their play on both sides. While doms and subs can play only one role a switch is more versatile. This allows them to open to play with a greater number of people but it also places more responsibility on switches because they must know both techniques of being dominant and submissive.

This gives switches a different perspective than other players because their view is not limited by their role which should allow them to provide unique insight on the scene and various practices. Yet because of the shunning of switches and the disbelief in them I think this opportunity has become limited because so many view anyone who is a switch as inexperienced.